Regrets
by luluathome
Summary: An A/U: What if Mary had told Matthew that she loved him in Season 2 as Carson had encouraged her to?  I own nothing. Thank you JF for these wonderful characters.
1. Mary Revealed

"But surely you didn't come all this way to confirm dinner" inquired Matthew.

Carson had advised her to tell Matthew. So he knew, in case something happened and then he would never know. That was why she had come. Mary paused; now that she was here and she had his attention doubt had crept in, softening her resolve.

He was with Lavinia now, he loved her, and she loved him. What right did she have unburdening herself to a man who was attached to another?

But she wanted him to know, she wanted him to understand that he hadn't been wrong, that she'd loved him always, that she would love him always. So he knew, in case the worst happened, in case he might never know.

She closed her eyes tightly and looked away briefly, fighting with herself.

Mary? Whatever it is, you can tell me. You must try not to worry so…

She looked up at him, expression neutral, concealing the battle waging between her heart and her head.

Matthew waited.

Finally, she whispered, "Regrets"

"Sorry?" Matthew queried, straining to hear.

Mary looked up and met his questioning eyes, and willed her heart to win out, saying softly, but unmistakably, "I wanted to speak to you of regrets"

Matthew paused, "regrets?" he repeated

Mary clarified, "my regrets", further, "I have regrets", willing herself to continue. "I have been unclear, I have left things misunderstood."

Matthew confused, encouraged her, "What has been misunderstood, whatever you mean?"

"I make no claim on you; I have no claim on you." She said resolutely. She continued, finding her voice and her conviction, "But war changes everything and I can't let you leave again without making it perfectly clear that I love you, I have loved you and I did love you."

Mary held Matthew's eyes for a moment before lowering them, not wanting to see pity or rejection or worse no response.

Matthew was speechless, his face reflecting a mix of changing emotions as he tried to formulate a response.

"Mary, I…" Matthew stammered eventually, desperately trying to gather his thoughts, contain his emotions. He struggled. Instead he pursued further clarification, "You spoke of regrets?" he questioned.

Behind him they heard Lavina calling from the door, "Luncheon is served Matthew", and Matthew turned and confirmed his understanding as Lavinia turned back inside.

Barely registering to whom he had just spoken, Matthew's attention turned back to Mary as he repeated, "Regrets?"

"Yes, always." She ached out. "Always… and now you know" and with that she strode past Matthew down the garden path.

Matthew tried to focus and organize his thoughts and emotions into a manageable list. _I love you, I have loved you, and I did love you! _Mary's voice rang out in an unending loop in his head. How he longed to hear those 3 words from her. Years of suppressed feelings bubbled up and he felt joy, happiness, and relief. And Lavinia, he remembered, and he was confused and frustrated.

He heart was racing, he was burning up, and he knew his face was flushed.

He took a few moments more to compose himself. Finally, managing to calm himself down, he went in for luncheon. He was careful to conceal his turmoil from Lavinia. Later he soothed himself, he would revisit this revelation and prepare his response.

Mary's brisk pace away from Matthew rivaled the pace of conflicting emotions rising up and demanding her attention. She felt exposed, humiliated, and sad and… hopeful.

Hopeful, no, she mustn't be. No expectations. It was impossible. She wanted him to know, just in case, she didn't want to add that to her growing pile of regrets.

He loved Lavinia, he was going to marry Lavinia.

Surely, Matthew understood that she was not desirous of a response; neither an affirmation, nor a confirmation or rejection. Didn't he?

He hadn't offered a rejection. She felt relief at that. He hadn't affirmed or confirmed. She was humiliated.

It was not an invitation, nor a query, it did not require a response. But still she was hopeful, hopefulness paid for with exposure and humiliation.


	2. Matthew Responds

"_I love you, I have loved you and I did love you."_ Mary's voice in Matthew's head had not softened; the continual loop had played over and over again since Mary had left him in the garden at Crawley House.

He had tried to focus intently on the conversation at luncheon and failed miserably. Further, he was entirely sure his pre-occupation was observed by both Lavinia and his mother. But he hoped that they would be content to believe that he was distracted because of his impending return to the front.

After luncheon he retired to his study to absorb and settle his thoughts. He re-examined his relationship with Mary; their clumsy, awestruck and proud meeting, the gradual growth and acceptance of their mutual desire and affection, his proposal, his certainty that she would accept, his heartbreak and his withdrawal when she continued to hesitate, his exile from Downton and from Mary.

If he'd only known, if she would have told him, if she would have helped him to understand her hesitation. But she didn't, so he came to his own understanding… _she was sure, until his prospects were in question._

And as he relived their journey, this time and for the first time, he was warm, reassured, and comforted. Finally, finally, this time, Mary loved him, she always had.

But, Lavinia, he was promised to Lavinia. Sweet Lavinia, who loved him immediately, so beautiful, so kind, so good. He did love her; he couldn't imagine throwing her over and breaking her heart.

"_I love you, I have loved you and I did love you."_

But now, he could not imagine his life without Mary. Now that her feelings were known, he couldn't. He toiled through countless scenarios of how to clear a path to Mary; but he couldn't get past the reality of Lavinia and his sense of duty.

Eventually, he identified at least an interim motion. He would talk to Mary this evening and he knew exactly what he wanted to say.

Dinner at the Abbey was as to be expected. Everything was pleasant and formal and comfortable.

Matthew was glad to have this last evening with his family at Downton before heading off to the misery that was the front. He made a point to share a bit of conversation with all of his family individually and together, building and storing away memories with which to visit during his long days and nights in the trenches. But even so focused a task couldn't block out that he was still consumed with the discovery of Mary's love.

Mary gradually relaxed over the course of dinner. Although she had been tentative at first to look at him, she sensed Matthew's gaze and she turned her head, taking a glass to her lips to mask her true intention. She met his eyes across the table. And what she saw soothed her enormously.

His eyes were brimming with joy and his soft smile took her breath away. She hadn't seen him look that way… since Sybil's ball. Had she done that? She felt warm, reassured and comforted.

And against her better judgment, she began to feel hopeful.

His pulse raced every time he met her eyes. He knew he shouldn't be enjoying the sensation or even actively pursuing the glances, but he couldn't help himself, it felt wonderful. Mary loved him.

Tomorrow he was going to the front; he could and he would examine his rather complicated feelings once there. There would be plenty of time indeed, and he would be in a much different place, one that would help him distinguish between the things that matter and the things that didn't. He felt sure of that, and so for tonight, he granted himself the right to bath in the overwhelming happiness he felt.

After the men joined the ladies, Matthew secured a moment to speak to Mary. Guiding her discretely back from the others, Matthew replied.

"Before I leave, I wanted to thank you for telling me. I know that was hard for you. And I think you were right to tell me, in case anything happens… because I very much wanted to know. It gives me much pleasure. So very much pleasure, Mary. And as if to emphasize, he took her hand ever so softly and brushed his thumb over her knuckles. Their eyes locked, filled with understanding and thanksgiving. And then just as quickly, he released Mary's hand and made to move toward his mother. But before he could, Mary held him back gently with her voice, "Matthew"; Mary said softly, "thank you and such good luck."


	3. New Orders

Matthew couldn't be more delighted with the orders he received today. He couldn't believe his luck, he would shortly be heading home to Yorkshire to fulfill a much needed but temporary role to rally new recruits and support those brave and wounded soldiers recuperating at Downton Abbey. How proud he was of Robert and Cora and his mother for doing their part. He knew what a sacrifice it was and he took great pride in his family. He had imagined the changes to Downton and he couldn't wait to match his expectations to the reality. He was sure; he wasn't as generous as he should be in his imaginings.

How thrilled he was to escape this hell for such a heavenly assignment as Yorkshire and more pointedly Downton Abbey. He did feel much guilt and remorse for those he was leaving behind, if only temporary, he knew. He wondered how many under his current command would perish during his absence. He was despondent at the thought. But it was clearly beyond his control either way.

And so he let his thoughts wander back to Mary and Lavinia, both of whom, were always close of mind. His tour had been long; he'd been away nearly 10 months. Lavinia writing every week from London and Mary less frequently. But at least now, she wrote, she hadn't before, only signing letters that others had written. The charade continued as decorum and propriety dictated. Lavinia's letters were full of love and plans for the future. Mary's on the contrast were full of Downton, riddles and challenges, but also of love, but in a general way, and always such good luck.

While Lavinia's letters remained constant in their tone and text, Matthew's letters back had taken a more reserved turn. He wondered if she had noted the change. It wasn't that he wasn't loving and full of desire to see her again. He was. But he knew he was much changed in his enthusiasm for the future. He did respond in kind to her specific inquiries and lines of thought, but he didn't offer musings of his own for their future.

To Mary, he responded to the riddles and challenges and enthusiastically posed his own back to her. He took delight in challenging her in classical and historical references and was delighted to find he never stumped her. She always responded with a greater challenge. He didn't write of love, he didn't write of the future except in a general way, but he did write of his admiration and devotion. And he thanked her always, never specifically, but thanked her all the same.

His time away had indeed provided the necessary time to consider his duty in light of Mary's love for him. He acknowledged that he had chosen Mary. Mary was the one; he knew he would mourn her till the end of his days if he couldn't be with her. Yet he remained troubled and conflicted about Lavinia. He did love Lavinia, he didn't want to hurt her, didn't want to cause her unhappiness. Especially when he thought about how she had soothed his broken heart, had made him feel so special, so loved. It had never been hard with Lavinia; he had never had a moment's doubt about her love for him.

Unlike Mary. But that was changed now. Mary had finally revealed herself. He couldn't walk away from that. He wouldn't walk away from that.

It is true; war clarifies what matters and what doesn't. But it wasn't that simple. Lavinia mattered. His promises mattered. His honor mattered. He had hit a wall, how did he keep his word, his honor AND follow his heart? Oh how he wished there was case law he could reference.

While he knew his choice, he didn't know the path, it still eluded him and that troubled him greatly. He was grateful to be going home, he longed to see Mary and Lavinia, but he longed for resolution and yet, he hadn't found the resolve to clear the path.

Finding paper and pen, he wrote:

Dear Mary,

I write to you with much joy in my heart, as I will shortly be returning home with new orders for Yorkshire and the hospital at Downton Abbey. I dare say it's not permanent, but it is a much longed for situation and I can hardly believe my luck. I fancy the prayers of my family have played a role in this happy situation. If all goes according to plan I should be home in a fortnight. How happy I will be to spend Christmas and New Years at Downton. I long for the contentment I feel at Downton, I look forward to many admonishments from Cousin Violet, lessons on the care of Downton from Cousin Robert, an emotional welcome from Cousin Cora and many discussions with you on role of America on the International stage. How happy I will be. Do wish me safe travels.

Yours,

Matthew

Dearest Lavinia,

How pleased I am to tell you that I have received new orders today. I am assigned, at least temporarily, to Yorkshire and the hospital at my own Downton Abbey in a fortnight. What a joy it will be to be at home with my family while doing my duty and serving my country. I do hope you can join me as soon as possible at Crawley House; it would be wonderful for you to share Christmas and New Years with me. Please telegraph my mother of your plans. I long to see you.

Yours,

Matthew


	4. Anticipation

**A/N – So, I just figured out how to do this. **

**Thanks to everyone who has reviewed and added to their story alert. It very encouraging! It is my first fanfic and I was nervous to post. But so glad I did. It has been a great experience so far – it's amazing to me how the words just flow from my fingertips, but I imagine most of that has to JF and his amazingly well developed and engaging characters.**

**So, a few of you feel Matthew is a bit OC, in light of his apparent giddiness about Mary's love for him and his inviting Lavinia to Christmas when it appears he is going to throw her over. I do respectfully disagree, but I am mindful of your concerns, I certainly want my Matthew to be IC. **

**So on the next chapter, Matthew is coming home …. But first, we need to catch up with Mary and Downton… this is a filler chapter to move the story forward.**

Robert was sorting through the morning's post while seated at the breakfast table. As he was inspecting the name on the letter he regarded, he registered that Mary had entered the room and as she passed behind him, he handed the letter over his shoulder to Mary.

"Thank you Papa", Mary smiled as she noted Matthew's familiar scrawl. She took her seat at the table and opened the letter. Within moments of opening, a joyous smile spread across her face as she exclaimed to no one in particular and to everyone in the room, "Matthew is coming home, he'll be here for in time for Christmas."

"Fantastic!" said Sybil. "Wonderful!" said Robert. "Will Lavinia be joining him?" inquired Edith sourly. Mary rolled her eyes.

"When will he arrive?" Sybil asked. "Does he say?"

"The letter is dated about 10 days ago and he says he shall be here in a fortnight, so I expect in a few days. Cousin Isobel may know of his plans particularly." Mary answered, "I think I may visit Crawley House later this morning to inquire."

"Is she not here?" inquired Robert.

"I think she isn't in till later this afternoon, assigned to the evening shift" replied Mary.

"I'd like to go with you, if that's okay. It's a particularly beautiful day for this time of year, it would be good to get out and enjoy it a bit." said Sybil.

"Wonderful." Mary answered .

"Please do ask Cousin Isobel and Cousin Matthew for dinner as soon as Matthew arrives." requested Robert.

"I'll be delighted to pass on the invitation Papa" Mary replied.

Mary was thrilled. Matthew was coming home, it was so unexpected, and she could hardly believe it to be true. She imagined Lavinia would be joining them for Christmas as well. Of course she would.

She reflected again that his letters had been constant. He had answered her every letter, although they often came out of order or in spurts of many or weeks of nothing. Sometimes, he wrote not in answer, but in beginning. He was never forward or overtly affectionate, but Mary felt his affection in his words and phrasing all the same. She treasured his letters. And she had stolen many moments reading and absorbing them over and over again.

After breakfast, Mary made quick to convene with Sybil and prepare for the walk to Crawley House. As they gathered their coats and gloves, Carson appeared to oversee their departure. "Shall we expect you back for luncheon" he inquired.

"Yes, Carson, thank you, we intend to walk to Crawley House for a short visit with Cousin Isobel." answered Mary. "We shan't be gone too long."

"Well, it's a beautiful day for a walk; I trust you will indeed enjoy it." Carson commented as Mary and Sybil left the Abbey.

Arriving at Crawley House, Moseley showed them into the drawing room where Cousin Isobel had been reading. Presumably, a non-fiction on current medical theory.

"Mary, Sybil, how wonderful to see you. Won't you sit down." greeted Isobel. A smile crossed her face and she knew they were aware of Matthew's imminent arrival.

"Cousin Isobel, we hate to trouble you on your morning off, but I've recently a letter from Matthew saying that he shall be returning home shortly with new orders to stay in the county."

"Indeed." Isobel responded. "I've only just received the same news when I returned home from the Abbey last evening. I expect a telegram soon from the war office of his official arrival, but I gather from his letter that it will be a matter of days now. I can't believe our great luck. To have him home for Christmas and for an extended tour of duty here, it is much to be thankful for."

"Indeed" cried Sybil, "we couldn't be more pleased, don't you agree Mary?"

"So very pleased." replied Mary. "We are surely blessed with such a turn of events. To have Cousin Matthew home for the holidays and to know he will be away from the front for an indefinite time is a great joy indeed." Mary beamed.

Isobel noted Mary's enthusiasm with great interest. Mary was usually a bit unreadable even to her observant mind. She wondered at Mary's unguarded emotions. Perhaps, she had made peace with Matthew and could embrace him as her family and the future heir of Downton, despite all that had passed between her son and her.

"I think it's time we began our journey back" said Mary. "Papa wished to extend an invitation to you for dinner once Matthew has returned. Of course, we would be more than delighted to have your company every evening, but Papa wanted to make sure that you were particularly invited to join us for dinner upon Matthew's return. Please do let us know of his arrival as soon as you know. We are very eager to see Cousin Matthew again.

"Of course. I will notify you immediately of Matthew's intended arrival. I know we would all like to welcome him specially. And if we can prepare ahead of time, it will be all the more special." replied Isobel.

As Mary and Sybil departed and thanked Cousin Isobel for their visit, Mary wondered that a mention of Lavinia had not entered into the conversation.

**A/N and so a filler chapter to move the story forward, next up Matthew is home. Reviews greatly appreciated.**


	5. Heartbreak

**A/N – So as I mentioned before some readers are feeling Matthew is a bit OC in this story. And I while I had disagree with that opinion, in plotting out this next chapter and reviewing the last few, I did find a contradiction between who Matthew is and what he is doing. I will attempt to correct that coarse here. It's not Matthew who is OC, but the author that failed to clarify his situation and intent. **

**No Mary here except in Matthew's heart… **

December 12, 1916

Confusion crossed Lavinia's face as she re-read the telegram she had just received from Isobel.

"What is it?" Lavinia's father Reginald inquired.

"Its from Matthew's mother, she asks when I intend to arrive in Downton for Christmas."

"But you aren't going to Downton for Christmas."

"No, I am not. I'm not sure I understand."

"Perhaps Matthew can explain, when does he arrive?"

"His telegram indicated he would be arriving in London on the 3:00 from Dover."

"And will he come straight here?"

"I imagine he will stop at Grantham House first to refresh himself. I expect him shortly after dinner."

November 27, 1916

After finishing his letters to Mary and Lavinia, Matthew pulled out a fresh sheet of paper to write to his mother. And as he wrote, he realized that he could not ask Lavinia to Christmas.

It occurred to him that it wasn't that he couldn't find the path; it was that he hadn't had to. He was at the front, living in a stinking, filthy trench with little to eat or drink, inadequate sleep, where he was expected to lead men to kill other men AND to stay alive. Was he really expected to work out how he was going to throw over his fiancé at the same time? Was that fair to him, to Lavinia? Would it have been honorable of him to jot out a quick letter to Lavinia breaking their engagement? Surely not. But now that he was going home, he knew he must go to Lavinia immediately and tell her. And so, he tore up the letter and resolved to arrange for a telegram to inform Lavinia of his arrival in London as soon as his leave date was settled.

December 12, 1916

Matthew rang the bell and waited for the door to be opened. He was very nervous, he did not want to hurt Lavinia, and yet he knew he was about to break her heart. Still he was resolved and he comforted himself somewhat with the thought the she deserved to be with someone who loved her the most.

He wondered if Lavinia would see it immediately on his face, he wondered what she would say, he wondered if he would find the words to help her understand and lessen her heartbreak.

Lavinia and Reginald stood and moved toward him earnestly, as Matthew was shown to the drawing room. Matthew closed the distance, reaching Reginald first, and as he shook his hand warmly, Reginald brought his other hand around behind Matthew's shoulder patting it firmly, yet gently. "My dear Matthew, it's wonderful to see you looking so well. How thrilled we were to hear of your leave and how grateful we are to welcome you home to England."

Matthew replied, "How very glad I am to be here, I have been away far too long. I trust you are well, you look very well indeed."

"Well, I dare say, more so now that you are home."

Reginald stepped to the side, to make room for Lavinia.

Matthew turned toward Lavinia and took her hand in his and brought it to his lips, kissing it gently. He felt dishonest in what this greeting was communicating to her, but he knew it was what was expected and he wasn't ready to signal his intent just yet. Looking at her with great sincerity and warmth, he said, "Dearest Lavinia, I am so pleased to see you."

Lavinia beamed, her heart was racing, and she felt such joy. Matthew was here, he was safe, and he was home. "Oh Matthew, welcome home…" she paused, her emotions overwhelming her.

As she composed herself, Reginald offered Matthew a drink.

After a while, as the conversation slowed, Reginald excused himself under the cover of "briefs to review" in order to provide Lavinia and Matthew some time alone together.

Matthew mentally prepared himself for what was to come. Sweet Lavinia, who loved him immediately, who was so beautiful, so kind, so good. He did love her; but he couldn't imagine his life without Mary.

It wasn't fair, it wasn't right for either of them. Lavinia didn't deserve to be second. She should be loved as Matthew loved Mary. She would see that eventually, he knew. But at this moment she believed that Matthew loved her as she loved him and it pained him greatly that he was about to shatter her reality. He braced inwardly and prayed for strength as he began the conversation that would break her heart.

Lavinia interrupted his thoughts, "I received a most confusing telegram from your mother this morning."

"Indeed" he replied.

"It appears she is under the impression that I will be spending Christmas in Downton."

"Yes, well I suppose she assumed that since I would be home for Christmas, you would be joining us."

"I see, I suppose that is right. But, even with our understanding, I haven't been invited…"

"Yes, quite right."

"Am I invited?"

Matthew smiled to give himself cover, "Lavinia," he swallowed, "it was important to me to come to London first before I went to Downton."

Lavinia beamed understanding, "Of course, I am glad of it."

"It was important to me because I needed to see you" he continued on before she could misunderstand again, "I needed to see you because I have something of great importance to talk to you about" he delayed.

"Yes?"

"Lavinia, I do love you, you mean a great deal to me, you must know that."

"Of course" Lavinia muttered, fear flooding into her consciousness.

Matthew held his breath and summoned his resolve. He exhaled and continued. "Lavinia, you are so very dear, so beautiful, so good, so kind… but, I find that I am unable to honor my promise… to you, to us. I am so sorry."

"Matthew! What do you mean, what are you saying, I don't understand? You love me, you said so, just now. Please!" Lavinia panicked, praying that this wasn't happening, it couldn't be true.

"Lavinia, you deserve so much, you deserve to be first in your beloved's heart. I can't give that to you. I thought I could, but I can't. I don't want you to settle, and I don't want to settle. It wouldn't be fair to either of us." Matthew explained.

"What do you mean settle, I am not settling. I love you. You are first in my heart." And then she realized, her heart stopped, she breathed out, "I am not first in your heart."

"Lavinia, I am so so sorry. I didn't mean for this. Never! I never wanted to hurt you. But, I can't, I just can't."

And then another realization, "Mary" she whispered.

And he didn't have to say anything, she saw her in his eyes. And her heart broke.


	6. Home to Downton

**A/N – So it is done, he is free, for now. And home to Downton. **

Matthew was distraught over Lavinia's heartbreak and he was determined to dwell on it for the rest of the evening. He needed to mourn Lavinia and the part of his life he had just ended. He had left a heartbroken Lavinia and walked to Grantham House turning over in his mind their relationship both out of respect and to organize and file away his conflicting emotions. He did love her, he hadn't been dishonest, he meant to marry her and would have happily until he found he couldn't. Mary loved him, and he wouldn't turn his back on that.

The next morning he awoke with such joyous anticipation he feared his heart might pop right out of his chest. He was going home for an extended period of time, he was free, and Mary loved him. His future was bright and he could almost feel Mary in his arms.

As the train pulled into the station at Downton, he could hardly control his emotions. He fantasized that Mary would meet him on the platform, he would get down on his knee and propose, she would accept and they would bounce happily off to the vicar who would immediately bless their union.

Seriously Matthew, get a hold of yourself, he chastised himself.

Since he had stopped over in London, his arrival was slightly delayed, and as he expected no one greeted him at the station. He grabbed his bag and made quick work of the walk to Crawley House. When he arrived a slightly surprised Moseley greeted him. "Mr. Crawley, we didn't quite know when to expect you, since you missed your train yesterday."

"Quite. Thank you Moseley, how are you. It is good to see you. Is my mother at home?"

"Your mother is at the Abbey sir. She is working with the wounded. She does everyday, you know. She has quite a way. I dare say, I don't know how they would get on without her."

"Indeed" Matthew smiled, knowing how effective, efficient and determined his mother was.

"Would you like some tea?"

"Yes, thank you." But first, I'd like to go upstairs to my room for a moment and I shall be right back.

Matthew entered his room and was instantly soothed with the familiar and comfortable surroundings. It is so very good to be home he thought. He took a few minutes to freshen up and prepare to greet his family… and Mary.

Matthew arrived at the Abbey appreciating the walk from Crawley House. The fresh air and familiar surrounding allowing him the time to sort and gain control of his soaring emotions. He willed himself to calm.

As he opened the door and walked through the great entrance, Edith was approaching the door apparently on her way out.

"Cousin Matthew, how good to see you. We didn't know quite when to expect you since you weren't on the train yesterday. How are you?"

"Cousin Edith, you look well. I am very happy to be home. I apologize for my late arrival, I found it necessary to stop in London before I made my way to Downton. I hope my delay wasn't too much of an inconvenience."

"Of course not, I suppose we should have assumed you would want to see Lavinia first." Edith said with a bit too much satisfaction in her voice.

"Indeed, are you on your way out? "

"Yes, I was just on my way out to enjoy this fine weather with a walk around the grounds."

"Don't let me stop you, I'll just wander around and make my greetings."

"Alright then. Will I see you at dinner?."

" I hope so."

Edith added, "Will Lavinia be joining us soon?"

"Well, not tonight anyway." Matthew said avoiding further clarification.

Matthew walked down the great hall, his ears picking up much more activity than was his previous experience at the Abbey. He found himself wandering into the library, where he was surprised to see it much changed with a ping pong table holding center court. He scanned the room for familiar faces as he registered the many convalescing soldiers mucking about. Finding no one, he retreated and continued on to find another room much changed, with the Abbey furnishing pushed to the walls to make room for neat rows of beds filled with soldiers in various states of recuperation.

And then he spotted his mother. He made his way to her and as he approached she turned as if she knew he was there, she smiled brightly and she breathed, "Matthew, by dear boy!"

"Hello mother"

"We expected you yesterday, you must have been delayed. Let me look at you." She inspected her son closely, finally exclaiming, " You don't look worse for the wear, how are you my darling boy?" and she moved forward to embrace him in her arms.

"I am as well as I can be, and so very happy to be home" he stepped back as she released him.

"Well, I couldn't ask for more."

Matthew continued on with his unguided tour of the much changed Abbey, awestruck at how changed it was and what sacrifices his family had made for the war effort. He was immensely proud.

Upon entering yet another transformed room, he spied Mary collecting soiled linens from empty beds. His heart began to beat rapidly as he watched her unobserved. And then all of a sudden, she turned her head and looked directly at Matthew. He met her eyes. He was overcome with joy. There she was, as he imagined over countless sleepless nights, so incredibly beautiful, he struggled to breath.

Her gaze spoke volumes and he was paralyzed by his overwhelming emotions. And as he felt he'd never be able to move, a familiar voice found his ear and a warm touch turned his head, "Sybil." He exclaimed as he turned toward the voice.

"Cousin Matthew!" Sybil said as she turned to face him properly. "How wonderful. We weren't sure when you'd arrive since you missed the train yesterday. How are you? You look very well indeed. I am so pleased that you have arrived safely and look so well. Have you seen Mary yet, I know how anxious she has been for your safe return."

Matthew's heart raced. Yes, he had seen her, no he hadn't talked to her. "I believe she is collecting soiled linens. But, I haven't had the chance to greet her."

Mary had made her way over to Matthew having discarded the linens she had collected in the laundry bin. She came into view of Matthew, within inches of him and smiled brilliantly. "Matthew, you are really here."

Matthew struggled to compose himself. "I have arrived safely, I am here. How glad I am to see you looking so well."

"And I you. We wondered at your arrival, since you missed the train yesterday." She managed smoothly, taking a composed, yet deep breath.

"Yes, I gather, it was quite the disappointment that I didn't make the train yesterday."

"Well we were a little unsettled, but all should be well now that you are here."

"I do apologize, I found it necessary to delay my final journeys end to stop in London."

Mary was disappointed, but not surprised, "I guess we should have realized you'd want to see Lavinia."

"Yes, I did see Lavinia."

"Well" Mary composed herself. "I hope we shall see you for dinner?"

"I wouldn't miss it."

"And will Lavinia be joining us as well?"

"No."

"Until tonight then." Mary moved away into the rows of beds and collecting the remaining soiled linens.


	7. Matthew Explains

**Chapter 7 – Matthew Explains**

**So Matthew is home and he is anxious to talk to Mary to settle things between them, but first he needs to tell his mother. I had hoped to get more accomplished in this chapter. But Matthew needed his mother to understand and in that he has a lot of explaining to do….**

As Mary and Sybil carried on with their duties, Matthew continued to roam the house and eventually he found himself walking the grounds of Downton. It was very soothing, his mind and body beginning the process of relaxing from the stress and intensity that was the front.

And as he relaxed, his mind wandered back specifically to Mary, and some very pleasant dreams.

_I love you, I have loved you, and I did love you! _

Oh how often he revisited those words, the declaration, and the clarification from Mary that she loved him. Oh God, it made him feel so wonderfully joyful. His heart pounded with anticipation as he once again recalled those words. It had always made him happy, but today, when he knew he would find a moment alone with Mary and be able to respond in kind, his heart soared and he was flushed with desire.

He heard the door and his Mother greeting Moseley. "Is Matthew here?"

"In the drawing room, Mrs. Crawley."

Isobel handed Moseley her things and went in to greet Matthew for the second time that day.

Matthew stood and greeted his mother with a kiss to her cheek. "Hello again, mother, how extraordinary this feels and yet so familiar."

"Shall we have tea?" Isobel said as she rang for Moseley and Matthew sat back down.

"It is so good to have you home my dear. I have missed you a great deal and have been so worried for your safety." Isobel said, controlling her emotions so that she did not cry, but tears welled up never the less.

"Mother..." Matthew reached across to her and gently squeezed her hand. "I know how you must worry, how could you not? But, I am here now, and I am safe, let us be thankful for that. If there is one thing war has taught me, it is to live in the moment."

"Quite right" Isobel agreed brightening.

"I am much in awe of the changes in Downton." Matthew said redirecting the conversation. "The opening of the house to care for those brave men is impressive. It appears to be quite the operation with everyone playing a role."

"It is quite impressive, isn't it?" Isobel beamed. "It requires much in the way of dedicated planning and execution. Cora has been most helpful in providing logistical support. Sybil is a very skilled nurse and has been invaluable to both Dr. Clarkson and me. Edith sees to it that the men have books, reads and writes their letters, and has a very empathetic ear. And Mary too has shown herself to be very giving and caring. She lends support and assistance wherever it is needed; indeed, she is quite a nurse herself." Isobel said earnestly.

"I am very proud of you Mother and my Cousins for embracing such a necessary enterprise." Matthew smiled warmly.

As Moseley served them tea, Isobel wondered about Lavinia. "And how is Lavinia, did you find her well in London. Of course, it was right of you to visit her first. I know she has missed you very much. Will she be coming to stay with us, now that you will be home indefinitely? I telegrammed her inquiring as to when she planned to arrive for Christmas. I had no reply, but I suppose that is because she told you of her plans when you saw her yesterday." Isobel queried.

Matthew stiffened slightly; he knew this was part of the process. As he had been engaged to Lavinia and now was not, he would have to explain in some detail as to the circumstances, at least to his mother. He expected her to understand, eventually, and to be supportive, but it was still an unpleasant task.

Isobel was watching him closely, noting his delayed response and that the air had shifted slightly. "Matthew" she said, breaking Matthew's thoughts, "I was asking about Lavinia."

"Yes, we should talk about Lavinia." he began, "I am afraid that Lavinia will not be joining us for Christmas or indeed coming to Downton at all. You see, we have broken our engagement." He said directly, his expression giving away nothing.

"What? I am quite surprised. Neither of you had given me any indication that your feelings had changed. Are you quite sure?" Isobel pressed.

"It is sudden; at least, it was for her. I understand your surprise and I will attempt to explain." He continued, "I do love Lavinia, and I would have married her. But I couldn't continue our engagement when I have lately realized that my affections, my dreams, my desires lie more wholly with another."

"With another?" Isobel questioned, "I am afraid that I am confused Matthew. Have you met someone else?"

"No. I haven't met anyone else." He repeated her phrasing, stalling. Understanding she wouldn't be satisfied with riddles, he clarified, "Mary, I am in love with Mary." His expression warmed, his eyes glistening.

"Oh, I see, but then I am not sure I do. You broke with Mary, she broke your heart." Isobel said pointedly.

"I remember," he said softly.

_I love you, I have loved you, and I did love you! _

"But, I am now in possession of new information that suggests I may have been rash. That my speculation as to Mary's reasons for not giving me an answer was wrong. And that we may indeed be happy together after all."

"I see and the source of the new information is Mary?" Isobel questioned.

"It is. She spoke to me just before I left last March. She wanted to make sure in case anything happened, that I knew her true regard. She had kept it from me you see and it was important to her that I understood."

Isobel could see the love and adoration on Matthew's face. She had seen it before, after Matthew has proposed to Mary so long ago. She also remembered how his despair had grown as Mary continued to delay accepting him… and his heartbreak when he determined to break with Mary.

"Are you quite sure?" Isobel pushed again. "Do you know why she didn't accept you then, when her feelings matched your own?"

Matthew considered, "No, I don't know. What I do know is that I love her and she loves me. And I do believe she will accept me this time."

Isobel understood. She knew the passion with which her son loved Mary. She knew his stubbornness and his will. She understood the path he had put himself on, she hoped this time it would end happily.


	8. Family Revelation

**Chapter 8 – The family is made aware.**

**A/N – ok so, obviously, I don't know how to break up my scenes in word when loading to the Document Manager, if anyone would like to enlighten me, I'd be most appreciative. It is as distracting to me as it is to the reader to find the scene breaks with no warning.**

Matthew and Isobel arrived at the desired hour at the Abbey. Carson greeted them at the door officiously, but with a twinkle in his eye and a warm welcome home for Matthew as he hadn't sees Matthew earlier in the day.

"It is good to see you, Mr. Crawley. Welcome home. I am afraid Downton hasn't been the same without you. I am glad to see you well."

"Thank you Carson, it is good to see you. Downton is indeed much changed, but for the better given the circumstances. I know it wouldn't be supported half so well without your stewardship." Matthew said sincerely.

"We all have our duty, Sir. I am most grateful for you appreciation, he paused. The family is gathered, please follow me." Carson said as he turned and led them down the hall to the drawing room.

Isobel and Matthew followed Carson. Matthew's anticipation was growing by the second. His heart beat wildly and he tried in vain to calm his emotions. He had played out several scenarios in his mind as he dressed, as they journeyed to the Abbey, and indeed while making small talk with Carson. He was giddy with excitement, expecting to leave tonight a very happy man indeed. But it wasn't as if he would smile at Mary and she would run into his arms and kiss him lovingly and all would be settled. There was decorum and a meal to get through, not to mention a handful of others, their family no less to break free of, before they could have a proper conversation. And a proper conversation he intended to have with at least a few proper kisses to round it out.

If he could dictate the circumstances, Mary would be instantly at his side; they would break unnoticed from the rest of the party, share a romantic interlude, and emerge with an understanding about their future together.

Matthew willed himself… calm down, enjoy the evening, look forward to the conversation, and stop this madness. You have waited this long, it's not much to wait a couple of hours more. And with that, he entered the drawing room behind him mother and greeted his family for the second time in nearly 10 months.

"Matthew!" a chorus of familiar and heartwarming voices greeted him. Matthew smiled individually to Edith, Cora, Violet, Robert, Sybil and finally Mary as his eyes made their way across the room. Cora and Robert stepped forward, greeting him affectionately.

Robert exclaimed, "Matthew, we are so very glad to have you home! We have not been the same without you, indeed Downton has not. Welcome home my dear boy!"

Cora smiled widely, "Welcome dear Cousin Matthew!"

Matthew relaxed and calmed, and finding his voice, he said a bit more emotionally than he would have preferred, "I am very happy to be home and with all of you again. I have missed all of you and Downton very much."

And with that a very familiar and comfortable evening began.

Matthew made his way around the room greeting Edith, Sybil, Cousin Violet and finally Mary.

How glad he was that Mary was positioned at his last stop. He greeted her again for the second time today and for the second time in nearly ten months. "Mary" he said softly, his eyes taking her in. My god, you are beautiful, he thought.

_I love you, I have loved you, and I did love you! _

His heart was pounding in his chest. How he wanted to take her in his arms and pledge his eternal love for her. Must get a hold of yourself, he willed inwardly.

Mary responded, "I am sorry we didn't have much chance to catch up earlier today. I was in the middle of my afternoon's chores and am afraid that I wasn't able to make more time to visit with you. Please know I wanted to very much."

Mary hoped he didn't realize just how much. She remembered how she felt Matthew's presence before she saw him and her first instinct had been to jump into his arms and kiss him madly. That is, until she thought of his engagement to Lavinia.

"Of course." He assured her. "Your work at Downton is very important. I do understand." And he meant it.

At dinner, Violet was curious that Lavinia wasn't here and more curious that neither Matthew nor Isobel had mentioned Lavinia's impending arrival or indeed Lavinia at all.

She speculated briefly and arriving at a probable conclusion, she mused aloud, "And when shall we expect Lavinia to be joining us?"

"Yes, Lavinia, I should very much like to see her.", Edith reinforced brightly.

Matthew and Isobel who both had been expecting the inquiry, but were both unpleasantly hearing the question, stiffened slightly. They had not prepared an adequate response to the eventual question; they hadn't prepared a response at all. Isobel felt an answer was needed to address the question, but knew it was Matthew's place, so she kept silent and her expression fixed.

Matthew froze. Of course, it was the ever vigilant Cousin Violet who posed the question. If he wasn't mistaken, she looked quite mischievous.

Everyone was now looking at him, having realized this was an obvious question that no one (except Mary) had bothered to think of. Where was Lavinia and when was she arriving?

Matthew composed himself and said directly, "Lavinia won't be joining us, our engagement has ended." His eyes fixed on Mary.

Now it was Mary's turn to freeze. Was it true, did she hear that right? And as her mind registered the questions and clarifications demanded of Matthew around the table, she realized it was true.

Matthew was free. "That means" her mind processed… the possibilities she envisioned made her giddy. Her eyes, her face beamed with happiness and joy, but in an instant she recovered herself and her expression was fixed and unreadable. But as Matthew had been gazing at her directly, he had observed her response and felt great joy nearly overwhelm him.

He pulled himself back from thoughts of Mary as his family continued to pursue additional information on the subject. He collected himself and found his voice, explaining briefly that Lavinia and he had realized their affection wasn't sufficient enough for a life together, and so they had determined that it was best to break off their engagement. He concluded that he wished her happiness and would always think of her fondly.

In individual responses and collectively, his family acknowledged and absorbed the change in Matthew's situation. Violet wasn't the only one to speculate that Matthew's love for Mary and Mary's obvious, but unacknowledged love for Matthew might be the reason that Matthew and Lavinia had discovered that their affection wasn't _sufficient enough_…

And as if to confirm their opinions, all observed that Matthew and Mary were openly staring at each other across the table.

Mary felt her heart was going to bounce right out of her chest; it was pounding that hard. She stared across at Matthew with a look of complete adoration. If she could have she would have leapt across the table and embraced him passionately. Oh to imagine his kisses, his arms around her, holding her tighter and tighter against him – oh and he had broken with Lavinia. It was too much, it was possible, she might get him after all.

She was awestruck as she took in Matthew's gaze. His eyes, his expression, his entire being seemed to confirm that Matthew was having the exact same thoughts as Mary.

And then something bitter disrupted her thoughts... yet _again_… Pamuk. Matthew did not know about Pamuk. She would have to tell him. And as she began to process that ugly truth, she broke her gaze and turned to Carson who was now serving the final course.

**A/N So this taking much longer than I expected to get through, but as you unfold the story, you realize how many characters you have to manage. Everything needs to unfold in due time. Sorry to leave here, hopefully we will get some M/M resolution in the next chapter…. Unfortunately I can't guarantee it; the story has a life quite beyond my control**


	9. Matthew Wonders

**Chapter 9 – And all is right**

**A/N – So I got through it, so much to share. I hope you enjoy.**

After the ladies had left, Robert nodded to Matthew as he waved his arm in the direction of a chair, inviting Matthew to sit down. Robert had been looking forward to this opportunity since he first received word that Matthew would be home in time for Christmas. He had missed him and was rather starved for his conversation and easy manner. Truth was Matthew was very much like the son he never had.

In anticipation, Robert had made a mental list of a few things he did want to talk to Matthew about as soon as they had time alone. However with the revelation that Matthew and Lavinia were no longer engaged, the priority of the list had indeed changed. He very much wanted to understand if this unexpected news had anything to do with Mary and what exactly that might mean. He was hesitant to feel hopeful, however much he wanted to.

Matthew was glad to have this time alone with Robert. Their conversations had always been very enjoyable and he respected Robert a great deal. He was anxious though, and pre-occupied with Mary. Anxious to speak with her alone and pre-occupied with what had made her expression change so bitterly. He knew she meant for no one to see, that was why she turned her head toward Carson so abruptly, but he did see, and he was quite unsettled.

It was Matthew who spoke first as sipped his port. "What an enjoyable evening, I have missed all of you very much. As much as it all seems a bit strange, it also feels familiar."

"We have missed you too Matthew. How pleased we are that you are home in time for Christmas and indeed for an extended tour of duty. How fortunate. What exactly are you orders?"

"I'm not sure… my general understanding is that I will be supporting our wounded soldiers recuperating in the county and rallying support for our troops at the front, but what that particularly entails, I don't know. I suppose I will be briefed when I report for duty after the New Year."

"Ah, good then, you have a bit of time off. We shall endeavor to make the most of it. "Robert said warmly.

"Indeed. I am looking forward to it." Matthew said as he fought to keep his thoughts on their conversation.

"Matthew, I dare say, I found the news of your break with Lavinia to be quite unexpected. I do hope you are at ease." Robert queried watching Matthew intently.

Matthew hesitated, finding the question just what he needed to fix his attentions to Robert, he paused a moment more, trying to find the right way to answer, "I find I am at ease. It was a difficult conversation. I do care for Lavinia very much. She is a wonderful girl", pausing again, he continued, "She is young, she will be alright. She deserves to be happy."

"And I gather you couldn't make her happy?"

"No. I don't think I would have."

"I wonder that war helps us to understand things more clearly." Robert prompted.

"Yes, I think it does." Matthew avoided.

"So this is something you wished?" Robert pressed.

"Yes, although, she would have come to the same realization eventually." Matthew concluded. This was a difficult conversation and he wasn't quite sure how much he wanted to clarify. He did need to talk with Robert about his intentions toward Mary. But he desperately needed to talk with Mary first.

Robert felt his reading of the situation had been confirmed and recognized that Matthew was at least partially avoiding sharing the whole of the truth. He was satisfied and respected Matthew too much to press further, satisfying himself that all would be revealed satisfactorily.

Robert made to stand, saying "Shall we join the ladies?"

Matthew and Robert entered the drawing room nodding greetings to the ladies. Matthew took a moment to speak to Cora and Violet briefly in order to settle himself before seeking out Mary.

Mary was in a far corner speaking with Isobel. Isobel noted Mary's attention had waned since Matthew had entered the room. As if to facilitate, Isobel sought to capture Matthew's attention to summon him over.

He met his mother's eyes, having already noted Mary's presence next to her, and excused himself so he could join them.

"Ah, Matthew, we were just discussing plans for our patients at Christmas." Isobel said directing the conversation while thinking ahead as to how to excuse herself at the earliest possible moment.

"I believe we will need to strive to make it as festive as possible and make them feel at home." Matthew replied looking with anticipation at Mary.

Mary smiled and greeted him. She was very agitated, finding herself pre-occupied with the information that she knew she would shortly have to share with Matthew.

"Well, if you'll excuse me. I need to talk with Cousin Cora about the some changes to the meal schedules." Isobel said, making her departure to the other side of the room.

Mary broke the silence, "Are you enjoying yourself, being here with all of us?"

Matthew noted her words were appropriate, but noticed her hesitance in manner and was further unsettled. He gathered himself, determined to disregard his uncertainty and redirecting the conversation replied "Lavinia and I are no longer engaged." His eyes searched her face for a response.

Mary softened instantly, "I gathered from what you said at dinner. I hope that you are not too unsettled."

"On the contrary, I hope that I will be quite settled." He looked at her meaningfully.

Mary felt she did understand him quite well. She fought with herself bitterly knowing that she had to tell him now, she had hesitated before and she had lost him. How she loved him. She wanted to be with him more than anything she had ever wanted in her whole life.

He would despise her once she told him. But he would despise her anyway if she hesitated to affirm her affection again. She had to tell him. She had already revealed herself. There was no explanation for any delay she might request if he made his intention known.

Finally resolved, she said, "Matthew, I wonder if I might show you a new acquisition Papa has made at my request in the library."

Matthew's heart pounded in his chest at this request, his blue eyes shined brightly and he replied earnestly, "Of course, I'd be most interested in your current reading list and would very much like to see the new library. Please lead the way."

Mary led the way, briefly pausing to tell her Mama that she wished to share her latest literary interest with Matthew. Cora nodded her approval with a knowing smile, "Of course dear, I fear Matthew has not enjoyed the pleasure of new literature for some time."

Mary led the way to the new library with Matthew following closely.

As they entered the room and closed the door behind them, she was terrified. How could she find the words, she desperately wanted to find anything to excuse her behavior, help him to understand, so that he didn't reject her, didn't despise her. Nothing, she had nothing to excuse herself and she steeled herself. I will tell him, I must tell him, then he will decide for himself.

Matthew was feeling quite giddy, this moment, the moment he thought he'd never find himself again in was in front of him and he willed the words to come to him to express to Mary all that he felt, all that he wanted.

As they reached Robert's desk with the newly acquired books on top ready to be cataloged, Mary stopped and turned toward Matthew. Instantly, he reached for her hands and took them in his. "Mary" he began.

"Matthew." Mary stopped him. As he gazed at her with such love, her heart pounded in her chest. She willed herself to focus. I have to tell him, she steeled herself. Looking at him soberly, her eyes tearing up she said, "I need to tell you something."

Before her resolve could be broken, she explained herself softly, "Do you remember Mr. Pamuk? The Turkish diplomat who stayed with us shortly after you arrived at Downton?"

"Yes. Of course, the fellow who died." Matthew said puzzled.

"Yes, well" she continued, "He died in my bed."

Matthew paused, confused, "I am afraid I don't understand."

Mary determined to get it all out, "He died in my bed, I was with him, and he had been with me."

"He was with you in your bed? Why?"

Mary did not indulge her desire to demure, "I was with him, he came to my room, uninvited, but I let him stay and he died in the act."

Matthew was utterly confused, he desperately tried to calm himself, make sense of what she was telling him. Mr. Pamuk, the man he remembered that she had so obviously preferred over Mr. Napier and himself. He remembered that he was jealous of her attentions and her affection toward him. But it was abstract, he hardly been aware of his feelings then.

Matthew pulled himself together, "Did you love him, do you love him? Why are you telling me this?" the questions spilled out of him.

"No, I didn't love him. I don't know why I let him, he came to my room, he was exciting, I didn't resist my urge for excitement, for something, I don't know. I was foolish; I have never been so foolish in all my life." She felt relief, but she braced herself for what she knew was coming as tears continued to pool in her eyes.

Matthew who had released Mary's hand some time ago fought to collect his thoughts. He struggled for clarity and finally found it, "Is this the reason you hesitated to accept me?"

Tears streaming down her face, Mary replied, "Yes. I couldn't bring myself to tell you. I couldn't find the words. I knew you would despise me and I couldn't bear it."

He understood and he loved her so much in that moment, "Oh my darling" he said as he reached for her and drew her into his embrace. "I don't despise you, I never could. I love you, I always have." He drew back so that he could find her lips and pulled her toward him again kissing her passionately.

They finally pulled apart, still in each other's arms, both of them breathless, lost in each other, but lost in their thoughts.

Mary spoke first, "I don't understand. I am spoiled."

Matthew shushed her with his lips, delivering quick, sweet kisses as he said. "Don't ever think that, don't ever say that. I love you. I love you all the more for telling me. That must have been so hard for you and to think you loved me enough to tell me. Well its quite loving isn't it. I mean if you didn't love me, you wouldn't have bothered. And again he kissed her pouring all his love and understanding into it so she would know, it didn't matter. He loved her.

Finally, he pulled back and she hissed her displeasure. "Mary, I wonder if we start again."

"Again?"

"That is, I wonder what your answer might be if I asked you again?

"Ask me what?" she teased.

"I wonder," Matthew dropped to one knee, taking Mary's hands into his, "Lady Mary Crawley, would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?" he gazed up at her.

"Yes!" she exclaimed.

Matthew rose and embraced Mary as they smiled joyously at each other before joining their lips again in a passionate celebration.

**A/N Wow. I finally got here. Maybe have a chapter or 2 on aftermath, then it done. Thank you for the lovely reviews.**


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